Football Footnotes: Who could the Steelers get to replace Mike Tomlin? Let’s try Santa
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I feel strongly that Pittsburgh Steelers president Art Rooney II is going to keep Mike Tomlin as head coach beyond this season.
Yes, even if they lose out and wind up 7-10.
That said, the conversations about firing or trading Tomlin sure have picked up as the 2023 campaign has swerved off the road in December.
One frequent rebuttal from Tomlin loyalists is to say, “Well, who else are you gonna get better than him?”
My response is always, uhh, I dunno. Did anyone know who Tomlin was before they hired him? How much did people really know about Bill Cowher aside from the fact he was from Pittsburgh? It’s not like Chuck Noll had a head coaching track record before 1969.
Hey, I get it. People want to feel safe and secure with the next coaching hire whenever Tomlin eventually does get traded, fired, quits, retires, whatever. They want a familiar name. A guy with a big reputation and a long resume.
A guy with a worldly presence who can command a room and run a team. A guy who every draftee and free agent will want as their boss.
So, for our annual holiday edition of “Football Footnotes,” I decided to take a look at who the Steelers should try to hire if Rooney II does surprise me and decides to move on from Tomlin after the season.
I say swing for the fences and get the biggest name possible: Santa Claus.
Sound stupid? Maybe.
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But let’s face it. If you are someone who still believes the Steelers might make the playoffs this year under Tomlin, you’re also probably someone who could believe in … um … this idea.
I put together this set of comps to show that if Tomlin can get it done as Steelers head coach, the big man from up north can as well. And may even be an upgrade.
Comp: Track record
Santa: Never missed a Christmas Eve of delivering gifts to every deserving child, dating back centuries.
Tomlin: Never had a losing season in 16 full years.
Advantage: Santa
Comp: Staff hiring history
Santa: Employs and oversees hundreds of elves who diligently put together toys for the entire globe.
Tomlin: Hired and promoted Matt Canada.
Advantage: Santa
Comp: Roster assembly
Santa: Found, raised and retained a core of reindeer that have performed at a high level for decades.
Tomlin: Never won a Super Bowl without Cowher’s players.
Advantage: Santa
Comp: Ability to work under adverse conditions
Santa: Was once booed in Philadelphia.
Tomlin: Is always booed in Baltimore, Cleveland and Cincinnati.
Advantage: Tomlin
Comp: Review strategy
Santa: Always makes a list. Always checks it twice.
Tomlin: Usually throws or holds on to red challenge flag based on Jumbotron replays and gut feel.
Advantage: Santa
Comp: Most difficult accomplishment
Santa: Had to turn to Rudolph’s shiny nose once to save Christmas during a massive snowstorm.
Tomlin: Turning to Rudolph’s right arm 10 times and still managing to go 5-4-1.
Advantage: Tomlin
Comp: Game-day management
Santa: Flawlessly hits every house on earth with presents in one night.
Tomlin: C’mon. You saw him burn those timeouts against the Patriots.
Advantage: Santa
Comp: Discipline
Santa: Bad kids get coal in their stockings.
Tomlin: Depends if the player is replaceable. Right, Chuks?
Advantage: Santa
Comp: Age and health
Santa: Hundreds of years old. Eats nothing but cookies and milk. Stomach like a bowl full of jelly.
Tomlin: 51. May put on a few pounds during all those pro-day dinners, but in good shape.
Advantage: Tomlin
Comp: Stamina
Santa: Works one night a year.
Tomlin: 17-game seasons.
Advantage: Tomlin
Comp: Unique attribute
Santa: Can get in and out of your house through the chimney to deliver packages without your kids noticing.
Tomlin: Can wander onto the field to interfere with a kick returner without the officials noticing.
Advantage: Santa
Comp: Communication skills
Santa: “Ho, Ho, Ho!”
Tomlin: “If you’ve got red paint, paint the barn red. Iron sharpens iron. The standard is the standard. Two dogs, one bone. You’re either drinking wine or squashing grapes. Smile in the face of adversity.”
Advantage: Tomlin
Comp: Performance at crunch time
Santa: Always does his best work in December.
Tomlin: Lately, has done his worst work in December.
Advantage: Santa
Well, Santa still wins 8-5. Unfortunately, my guess is that Santa would prefer the North Pole to the North Side. Hence, Rooney II is just going to have to look elsewhere to replace Tomlin.
Although please don’t hire Bill Belichick if New England fires him. Just because you can’t hire Santa, that doesn’t mean you have to hire the Grinch.
Tim Benz talks with former Steelers and Penn State quarterback Todd Blackledge as he prepares to call Steelers vs. Bengals on NBC on Saturday.